Wanting the Impossible
by Sky Astor
Summary: Small Whouffaldi AU. Student Clara. Professor Smith. Unhappy love. Overthinking. Inner arguing. Confusion. Sadness. Whouffaldi AU. Whouffaldi.


A/N: After a while, I've written something that resembles a "normal" fic.

I really want to write some PURE FLUFF like I used to, but apparently, it hasn't been the right time for it recently... *sigh*

I hope the fluff mood comes to me soon.

This is a tiny AU about Clara...

Enjoy!

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 **Wanting the Impossible**

Clara walked out of the room where she had just had an oral exam. A B. She was content, but on the other hand also disappointed because she was hoping for an A. The oral exam - the form of it was quite stupid. It didn't really allow anyone to show their skills. And it was just a small ego trip for the two idiotic examiners who undermined the self-confidence of the students, also not forgetting to make them afraid of the exams of the next semester. They'd disappointed her.

Oh well, it can't always work out. There were always some obstacles and dark clouds. And when she finally was happy, something turned up and chased her happiness away... And when nothing turned up to sabotage the good times, the gears of the rusty machine in her head started turning in the wrong direction. Her impossible mind was enough to find or create something that would throw her into the claws of sadness, self-doubt, anxiety and other unpleasant feelings.

Her head was spinning and the hall she was walking through was moving, meandering in front of her. The floor was quicksand. Clara sat down on one of the chairs in the wide hall and relaxed. She just loved being there, in the old building, her sanctuary. Couldn't really tell why, but she was genuinely happy there.

She wished she had someone to go to, a person who would cheer her up, make her feel better and forget everything.

No one was there.

Not that she wasn't happy single, but sometimes she just… thought about it and what it would be like.

Clara sat there in silence and then some friends joined her for chatting until they left for the same oral exam. And then _he_ walked by - her sweet lecturer with that soft, curly hair of silver who almost always smiled at her. Despite the longer distance between them, they greeted each other and she found some happiness and pride in the fact that he didn't smile at everyone. It hurt to know that she probably wouldn't see him until the end of the semester anymore. And during that unnecessarily long summer holiday. Maybe she would see him next semester if she was lucky. That would be amazing and worth the fleeting happiness… sadness between which she was bouncing like a ping pong ball.

Regularly seeing him was bad, not seeing him at all was worse and who knows how long she would need to "forget".

Clara could listen to him for ages. His sharp voice flowed through her ears and jabbed like daggers into her holey heart. His overdone facial expressions were intoxicating, and she loved how excited he could get when talking about his subject.

Crush or love, love the crush, crush the love, whatever. It was so silly and crazy. She was impossible. Why don't hearts have a switch? She had tried to fight it, the admiration for him, but then she allowed herself to get lost. Gave up. She'd never talked to him, only idealized him like the poets who idealized their mistresses in their sonnets of Renaissance England. The funny thing was that she'd thought he was silly and unattractive when she first saw him and she actually kept thinking that for quite a time... But in fact, she had probably adored him before she knew it. And then one day, after 3 months of not really noticing him, he gave her the warmest, sweetest look when he walked past her in a lonely hallway... Boom. A cannonball hit her. It wasn't fair. She had been fighting the growing feelings and was neither winning nor losing… she had only held the line. Clara could have continued, but obviously did not want to.

The inevitable collision between imagination and reality evoked the unhappiness and uncertainty again and again. Clara just knew... What would he do with her, anyway? Not to mention that he had a girlfriend - Clara found out about her later.

Lucky woman.

Clara remembered well when she found out. He and his girlfriend walked a few feet away from a building and then she took his hand. Clara's eyes, her cunning bastard mind, wanted to be blind and tried to convince her that that was not what she saw, but she kept on looking thoroughly until she lost them out of sight. They held hands. The strings of her heart unravelled like a ball of yarn as they walked away. She felt the tugging for some time, yet she was happy to know about it.

Although she did not want to admit it, one of the reasons she wanted him was because she did not have him. Such a slap in the face. She needed one. However, the impossible girl was actually happy for him although it hurt that day very much... And she only hoped that the woman was true and the right one for him.

"Be safe, be happy... I truly do wish you that, Mr. Smith."

She would still admire him from the distance.

Miss Oswald was never interested in pretty young men her age.

In the hallway all alone and tired, Clara remembered what he said three weeks ago… He hinted, with that sweet accent, that he would maybe lecture them next semester as well... There was hope, and she would cling onto it.

Clara continued on sitting in the hallway until hunger lured her out into the busy streets to get some food… Then, finally home, she decided to take a nap since she was so very tired. Thinking about him, worrying about the future, telling herself that everything was going to be okay, she drifted to sleep and stopped feeling for a while.

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A/N: Thanks very much for reblogging, kudos and commenting on my fics!

Thank you for reading this one and I hope you like it!


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